Tug of war and I love yous

This is such a weird transition time we are finding ourselves in right now.

Some days I feel like I just want to grab the kids, hop on an airplane and go.  Other days I want to settle in and stay here as long as possible. Soak it all in. The way the air smells after the rain. The familiar bird songs in the morning. The huge cloud formations and breathtaking sunsets and the amazing thunderstorms of the Midwest.

I remember the very first time I saw the milky way in the night sky and the first time I saw a firefly.

The sound of the cicadas and the warm humid air. So many memories, and so many things I wish for my kids to experience before we are moving to a different continent. 

So we are working on our "US-bucket list".

√  Mexican Food

√ Grilling S’mores

Going to a waterpark

Eating Ice cream cake

Malt Shake

Fair

Getting our nails done ( Elea, not Finley)

Catching a firefly

All the while we are also really excited to be heading to Germany.

Everyday seems like we are playing tug of war in our minds. Things that keep us here and things that pull us there. Sometimes even things that push us there and things that hold us back.

The anticipation is killing me with the dread of leaving. (if you know what I mean)

We are truly in limbo right now and it’s hard. We want to spend time with friends and family but sometimes it seems difficult because we have not been around for so long and we will be gone again soon.

I know how it is. I’ve spent plenty of time in my life being torn between two worlds. Whenever I am in the States, I miss my family in Germany and whenever I am in Germany on vacation, I miss the US and my life there.

This will be a huge step and I have to change my way of thinking. This won’t be vacation. This will be hard and tedious immigration all over again.

I am not looking forward to all the bureaucratic hullabaloo. I am not looking forward to feeling like I don’t belong, trying to find my identity again. I want to fit in, but then I also don’t. I don’t want people to look at me and automatically assume I am German. Because I am, but then I’m also not. I wish to think that over these last 9 years I have acquired some American trades or characteristics. I’ve loved living in America and I sure hope that it has become part of my personality to some extent.

I don’t want to lose that part of me.

This is a difficult transition for me. I know I should speak more German with John, so he can learn, but it is so ridiculously hard. I speak German with the kids all day long, but with John it’s different. English has always been our language. He was my teacher, my confidante, my tutor.  So much of who I am and how I talk and express myself is wrapped up in the English language. Man I love English. Some things you just cannot say or express that well in German. And the more I learned English, the more it pulled me in. Speaking English to me has always been that way. I just want more. Reading Jane Austen or listening to RelientK. I just love it.

So breaking from that with John, severing that very special tie we had with language over the years is very difficult. I know it has to be done though. I want to support him as much as possible in learning quickly, doing the very same thing for me that he did for me years ago and still is doing.

But I will always say” I love you”. I don’t think that will ever change languages.

Some days feel slow and some days feel fast. Our calendar is like this entity, looming over us and the to-do-list is long and for every day that passes I feel like we should have done more or worked harder.

Some days I say “ it is what it is and it’s all in God’s hands” and other days I frantically try to do it on my own. We are still struggling to find a work/fun balance and I guess no matter what you do and how you divvy up your time, you will always have regrets in the end.

But “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

    his mercies never come to an end;
 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.”  Lamentations 3:22-23

Thank you all for being in our lives as we embark on this journey.

Please let us know if you have any questions regarding our new ministry or if you have any bucket list suggestions.